We Never Take the Before Photo

Balthazar. To go. In the H&M dressing room. 10/24/09 Another...

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:18:00 -0400

Balthazar. To go. In the H&M dressing room. 10/24/09

Another boy, another Balthazar tart-type-thing. To be precise: a small quiche. What else was in it does not matter. What matters is that we were asked to leave. Not for illicit reasons, and not because we were eating quiche while he tried on button-down shirts. We were asked to leave after I expressed my disgust at the salesgirl who found an iPhone in the dressing room next door and then asked us not to “tell on her” since she was excited to keep it. I told her that I was going to “tell on her.” She said, “Well, I’m going to tell on you,” for sharing a dressing room and a quiche and a fork, I suppose, at the same time. She said, “I am NOT going to ask you to leave, but I SHOULD.” I did not have a response funny enough for that, so we left.

Momofuku Noodle Bar. 12/26/09. This wasn’t our dish, and...

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 00:32:00 -0500

Momofuku Noodle Bar. 12/26/09. This wasn’t our dish, and we felt sort of annoyed with ourselves — taking a quick stealth photo, with our phone, of the chef who was about two feet in front of us, while we pretended to be swiping at something on the small internet we held in our hands. But look at that steak! And those knife skills.

At home, today. 02/21/09. At work, yesterday. 02/20/09. Lots of days. Every day, maybe. Dear...

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 00:20:22 -0500

At home, today. 02/21/09. At work, yesterday. 02/20/09. Lots of days. Every day, maybe.

Dear You,

You eat quinoa every day and you never remember to take a photo?

Love,

At Balthazar, or, outside of Balthazar actually. Yesterday....

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 03:32:00 -0500

At Balthazar, or, outside of Balthazar actually. Yesterday. 12/15/08. It might have been a date. We shared a tart of sorts. A small round mess of gorgonzola, mushrooms, thin potato slices that seemed unnecessary, and carmelized onions that were perfectly translucent but kept slipping out all over the place. We forgot to take napkins so I wiped my hands on his pants. Oh, I guess that makes it a date.

Chocolate pudding he made, accidentally, with my anti-anxiety...

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 01:21:00 -0500

Chocolate pudding he made, accidentally, with my anti-anxiety medication. His kitchen. New York, NY. 12/08/08

The before photo would have involved a box of cocoa powder, a few cups of heavy cream, some eggs, a stand mixer.

The after photo should not include my Xanax in the bottom of the bowl. He was preparing for a very long long flight. And cooking chocolate pudding from scratch. I could only really help with one of the two situations. I should not have placed the Schedule IV drug I was giving him for the flight into the mise en place glass. I thought it a safe space for a small pill. I guess he’ll have to take the pudding on the plane.

Golden Osetra. 12/04/08. I am allergic to fish. My reaction:...

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 03:48:00 -0500

Golden Osetra. 12/04/08. I am allergic to fish. My reaction: anaphylactic. But I was offered a taste of this amazingness. The image above actually is the after photo, though it looks pretty much untouched because I ate only exactly two eggs off of a tiny white spoon.

I’d always laughed when they described great caviar as being like “a kiss from the sea.” Now I get it. Those two eggs tasted like making out with the ocean.

But then I got nervous. I wasn’t sure if my lips were starting to itch, if my throat was swelling shut, or if it was all an imaginary response, in my head. So I took both a Benedryl and a Xanax to cover all bases — potential allergic reaction and panic attack.

We’re not even sure what is on this plate. Note the one...

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 03:23:00 -0500

We’re not even sure what is on this plate. Note the one bite taken and a bit of moving things around so it looked like we were eating when the bride stopped by to greet the table. We were done. We’d already had like a million mini hot dogs at the cocktail hour. And then, after a few drinks, we had trouble figuring out what we were served. They said it was salmon. We were stunned. Rarely does a before look so much like an after, and an after like a before. Wedding dinner. Short Hills, New Jersey. 11/29/08.

Business drinks. 12/01/08: The escargot we picked at over “business drinks” were so good...

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 02:44:00 -0500

Business drinks. 12/01/08: The escargot we picked at over “business drinks” were so good that I thought about slurping up the garlic and liquid left in each depression in the shared platter in the middle of the table. I thought, maybe too much, to myself, about slurping the garlic, while I should have been thinking and talking out loud to the others about “business things.” We were, after all, having “business drinks.” We were “wrapping up a project.”

We did not take an after photo. I was too busy trying not to say “garlic” when I meant to say “business stuff.” And by the time the talk devolved into chatting about setting up all the single business people I couldn’t quite figure out how to explain why we would be taking a photo of the remains. Or why we were slurping up all the garlic from the depressions in the shared escargot platter in the middle of the table.

Cupcakes. Billy’s Bakery. Second dessert of the night....

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:30:00 -0500

Cupcakes. Billy’s Bakery. Second dessert of the night. After a trip to the Shake Shack. Oy. 11/26/08

Noodles and cottage cheese. “Large Curd, Pot Style.”...

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 02:58:00 -0500

Noodles and cottage cheese. “Large Curd, Pot Style.” Chopped/mashed sun dried tomatoes. Late dinner. After midnight. 11/25/08

Mott’s Sliced Apples. Just sliced apples + preservatves,...

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 03:06:00 -0500

Mott’s Sliced Apples. Just sliced apples + preservatves, in a plastic bag. A waste of money and packaging, no? Apples usually come in their own edible skin! Also, I’m the kind of girl who eats the core. This snack was a mistake. 11/24/08

Homemade marinara. We made sauce. We ate it all and then we...

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 03:24:00 -0500

Homemade marinara. We made sauce. We ate it all and then we realized that we’d spilled a bit. Thus the photo of this drip, on the kitchen floor. At home. Brooklyn, NY. 11/23/08